Sunday, December 14, 2008

So SOOO Proud of my Little Man!

We had to go to the mall to pick up my aunt's gift yesterday.

I knew before we went it was a horrible idea, and I was planning on leaving Ryan in the car with Tom. Ryan had to use the bathroom though, and if he was going inside, I might as well buy the one thing and get out.

I was anticipating the worst.

I got the best imaginable.

He made it to the bathroom and back to me at the doors okay (with his Daddy, of course), but it was so crowded it took entirely too long to get back together. Adara was antsy so we were riding up and down the escalators to keep her busy. Tom didn't see us and kept walking around and around.

Finally, we got back together and headed for the store to buy the gift.

I was really worried.

Ryan started getting his twitches and whimpering and I knew we had to get out of there fast. To my aunt, if you're reading this - your gift was selected with care, I hope you enjoy it...but please note that I probably would have gotten you more except that Ryan could no longer handle being there.

I paid and left as fast as possible. He was hugging himself, rocking on his feet, lightly bumping his head into the counter, and whimpering continuously while I was paying...if someone had even lightly bumped him it would have been all over, but miracle of miracles in a PACKED store without room to move - nobody bumped into him.

We got out I moved him over toward the bell players (they were a floor below us) into an open quiet (relatively) space, and gave him squishy hugs, did push 5s, etc. things to calm him down so that we could make the walk back to the car. It took a while, but he managed to calm down. I asked him if he wanted to listen to the bells and he looked up towards me...I made him try to use his words, and it was so hard for him, he stuttered (whole word stuttering is what he does) so horribly, but he asked to go home.

I let him carry the bag with the gift too, it was heavy enough to act like heavy work.


I managed NOT to cry when we got to the car, but just barely. I was/am so very proud of him for holding it together. We did it. We REALLY did it. We made it through a fast trip to a packed mall in the month of December.

That has never happened before and, frankly, I wouldn't try it again, but for this one little trip I am extremely thankful and proud of my son.

Adara didn't have any trouble, but I could tell she had shut down her hearing. She wasn't responding to speech at all. Normally when she starts to get uncomfortable she will look at you and say "too much, too much!" but this time it was immediately overwhelming and she just shut it down. The sound canceling headphones we just got helped a good bit because once we left she was able to start hearing us again :-D That's something she hasn't been able to manage before either! Once she shuts down, she's done until the next day usually!

All in all, a very good day. It filled me with hope.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Reminders of Why

Friday was a day filled with reminders of why we are on this journey.

Ryan was having a particularly rough day. His morning was fine, we got his schoolwork done with little problem at all! He had OT that afternoon (same as every Friday) and even there he had trouble. We go grocery shopping after OT, and normally this works out fairly well. Friday that was NOT the case.

Ryan began showing signs of emotional and sensory "bumpiness" before we started, and signs of anxiety before we were ready to check out. He and his sister were sitting next to each other in the special kid cart. Plenty of room for two kids...but every time Adara so much as brushed against Ryan's arm he would scream and try to hit her. Eventually I let Adara out of the cart to help push it. She's only 2, but she's emotionally older than Ryan and therefore better about staying close to me - meaning she runs away because she thinks it's funny, and I knew in Ryan's current emotional state that he would bolt and hide.

I should have stopped shopping when I realized Ryan was "losing it." I should have just told the manager where my cart was, apologized and left the store. I didn't. That was a mistake, I know that now, but not nearly as big a mistake as the other one.

Finally, I was done with the list and we could leave. Check out was rough. There was almost a meltdown over an item Ryan didn't get to put on the checkout conveyor, thankfully I had two of them - disaster averted! Ready to get out of there with Adara overdue for a nap and Ryan done for the day, I accepted help taking my cart out to the car.

It sounds so innocent when I say it that way, but that was my biggest mistake. Ryan had trouble staying with me to even get out of the store. I tried holding him, but he nearly collapsed. So I let him hold my shirt and I kept my hand holding the back of his coat. He kept yanking and dodging and trying to get away.

Little did I realize that Ryan had slipped into full on anxiety mode - EVERYTHING was dangerous. This man pushing the cart out of the store that Ryan's seen three or four times before was suddenly a stranger, a word Ryan doesn't normally apply to anyone (this has caused MANY issues before) because EVERYONE is his "best friend."

We finally got to the car, and I asked Ryan to get into the car and sit down. Unfortunately, his seat is in the back and open to the back of the minivan where the man was loading the groceries for me. Ryan screamed and bolted hard. I had let him go because he was getting into the car and he got away from me and out of the door. He dodged toward the front of the car first, but I was there and tried to grab him. He hit and scratched my arms, my long sleeves saved my arms, and he dodged to the back of the van, but the man was there and had stepped around to see what was going on. Ryan saw him and ran into him kicking and headbutting - the man stepped back. We were parked next to the end of the row, so there were bushes right next to us, Ryan began running through them and he sort of stumbled. That gave me time to catch Ryan on the other side of the bushes because it takes him time to get his feet sorted out when he stands up after a fall.

I'm lucky I caught Ryan because just then a car drove past going WAY too fast. If I hadn't caught Ryan, he'd have run right in front of that car. It never would have occurred to him to stop, and there was no WAY that driver could have stopped. They were going way to fast to begin with and Ryan would have just suddenly appeared right in front of the car from the bushes.

I picked Ryan up and carried him around the car to put him in. He was slamming his head into me, but it was into my shoulder so I was okay. I didn't try to buckle him, but I did close and lock the doors. Eventually he was able to buckle himself and we could leave. Thankfully he was too far gone to remember to unlock the doors. Also my car has a great feature that won't allow you to unlock and open the doors when the car is in gear. So I've found the car can be quite a safe way of containing Ryan when he's lost inside himself.



It's days like this that remind me why we are on this journey to get a service dog. The dog would have been tethered to Ryan and Ryan wouldn't have been able to get away. Ryan would have had a friend to help him calm down and feel safe.

This type of incident doesn't have to keep happening! We can stop these! Together we can raise the money needed to train a service dog for Ryan and our family, and I'll be able to go to the grocery store and do things regular people do - like get help out to my car with a load of groceries!